Fail

So these posts are few and far between.  I never would've guessed that this is what it would've looked like.  I mean, blogging can be very therapeutic.  Let me vomit a bit all over the internet.  Yay.  Probably not for those of you reading, but yay for me.

Things have kind of hit an all time low this week.  I have hit an all time low.  And the only reason I'm even blogging at this point is because I can't sleep.  So I lay in bed thinking of all the things I should've done, haven't done, feeling guilty for not blogging, because my people need to hear from me.  Give the people want they want!  Sounds a bit narcissistic, doesn't it?  I'm certainly joking.

But I do want to fill people in on what's going on in our lives.  To be completely honest, we're struggling.  Struggling with why God has us here, why we still feel stuck, why things aren't different, why our family feels like a mess.  Our greatest fear is that 8 or 9 months from now, we'll leave Orlando and still feel stuck.  That we won't have healed and moved on and grown, and that we even might not trust God.

Lord, I pray we don't remain stuck.  Stuck in apathy.  Stuck in loneliness.  Stuck in depression.  Stuck in hopelessness.  Stuck in anger toward God.  Just stuck.  And we bring this mess into our poor, precious children's lives.  They've seen too much apathy and too much anger over the past month.  It's heartbreaking.  I don't want to bring more pain, grief and loss to their lives.  They've had enough.

So we do our play therapy and counseling and coaching and connection times and life groups.  And we hope for the best.  We are being faithful to what is before us and we have to say no to a lot of things, which can be really challenging at times.  We're investing a lot of time, money and effort into healing.  But what if healing doesn't come?  What if healing takes more courage than we can muster up?

I am a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of person.  Just keep swimming as Dori would say (can you tell we go to Disney?).  But this method has only seemingly gotten us into trouble.  We long for normalcy, in life, in our family, in ministry, in our walks with the Lord.  Just try harder.  It works sometimes.  But not this time.  Not over the past 6 months.  We're somewhat of a broken record.

We are broken.  It's in our brokenness that we should move toward the Lord.  Yet during this time, we have developed new and painful anger, hurt and resentment toward the Lord.  We want answers.  And often times answers don't come.  So it's during this time that we plead with you, our friends, our family, our prayer warriors that you would intercede for us.  We need your prayers.  Prayers for patience, prayers for healing, prayers for growth and understanding and wisdom.  We covet your prayers.

This can't be all serious.  I mean, it could be, but I also feel obligated to share the one thing that has continually brought a smile to my face this week.  And if you don't get it, that's ok.  I do and I absolutely love it.

My new sticker on the car.  Brings a smile to my
face every time I think about it.