Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Columbus

It feels like we've been back for so long.  Yet it's only been two weeks.  It's hard to keep up with what day it is.  The days go by and time heals wounds, but it seems like we'll need more time than we'd like to admit.  We decided to go to Columbus for about a week.  We have so much to do, doctors appointments, meetings, time with friends.  It has been good for us.

We're sad though.  Sad about so many realities right now.  Sad that the Venezuelans we left are still heartbroken and sad.  How can we help?  We're sad that the kids don't have anywhere to call home and that won't change anytime soon, probably not until August.  We're sad that our bodies are still recoiling from the trauma that we experienced.

I wrote a message to a friend this morning who asked how we are doing.  It's interesting because we feel like what we experienced wasn't really a trauma.  But our bodies are telling us otherwise.  We are still having issues sleeping.  We experience random stomach issues, knots in our stomach, tightness in our chest, panic attacks.  These things have not gone away unfortunately.  There are random triggers that seem to heighten these things.  And this all seems normal for someone who has experienced some sort of trauma.

But we don't want normal.  We don't want to feel the repercussions of all that happened.  We want to move on and feel like we can function and be productive.  We have been able to do things, but not nearly as much as we would like.  We have been able to grieve some.  But again, not nearly as much as we would like or would hope for.

This is our reality right now.  We take each day one step at a time.  We put one foot in front of the other.  The sad thing is that we're going through it together so we can't really console one another.  And that is hard.  We're both experiencing all of this in unique ways and we can't help each other.  So we turn to others, to friends, to family, to counselors.  This will take time.  Oh how we wish it wouldn't.

But.  There's always a but.  There is good news.  We did find out yesterday that we officially will be going to Orlando this August!  We were accepted into the program for a year at the Cru national headquarters.  We're ecstatic about this for many reasons.  This means we will have a year of low stress, personal and leadership development, free Disney passes and time to sort through with counselors and friends what the past 2 years of our lives has done to our hearts.  All of this without the normal wear and tear of campus ministry.  Don't get me wrong, we love our jobs.  But we need something low stress right now.  For our whole family.

This will only be for a year.  That means Bart will work in the office and I will hopefully get to do some admin from home.  I'll still homeschool Noah since that seems to be the easiest transition, and he claims he never wants to go to school.  :/  At some point during our time there, we will try to figure out a good fit for our family to go back into campus ministry somewhere in our region (Ohio, Indiana, Illinois or Michigan) for 2015.

Until then, we wait.  We have our time of being nomads, raising support and trying to process through this thing called life.  Would you pray for us?  For our kids to feel settled without having a home.  For us to continue to process through everything that happened.  For those we're staying with, that we could somehow be life giving (and not just life sucking).  Maybe they're the ones who need the most prayer at this point!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi Missy,

I hope this finds you and your family well. I recently discovered your blog through FB and I'm glad. I'm glad to see you are still doing what your heart drives you to do and I'm glad you're back on safer soils. I hope you continue to write out all that you are feeling as part of your healing process.

You're in my thoughts,
mt

judy said...

Missy,

I came home from Iraq with PTSD. It took me several years to realize/acknowledge that. My family knew. What you are experiencing in your return home sounds very familiar. Traumatic events, PTSD or not, are still traumatic. I will be praying for your family as you transition into God's healing. Thank you for sharing your story, so we may know how to pray.