Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The cost

One of the things I'm really starting to wrestle through at this point is the cost of living in Venezuela.  Sometimes it's not much.  It can be something so little.  Like my wedding ring.  I really miss my wedding ring.  We decided before we left that it was more important to us that I didn't wear it for 2 years than have it stolen in VZ and never see it again.  It has sentimental value, you know?  There are a few little things like that, that aren't really a big deal, but I'm to the point where it's just not fun anymore.

One of the harder things I’m wrestling through right now is adoption.  I’m really sad that we won’t be able to even start the adoption process until we get back to the U.S. and get somewhat settled.  And honestly the thought of trying to go back and transition and get settled and THEN trying to start the adoption process feels really messy.  I’m guessing I won’t have much energy for it for a few months after we get back.  And I even wonder how much of the adoption process can or will affect whether or not we even want to come back to Venezuela long term.  We desire more kids, but not through me (at least from my perspective...Bart can write his own post on that).  

So I’m trying to figure out how to grieve.  It’s not like we lost something, but I’m grieving that we have to wait.  It's not necessarily a no, but a not now.  And with that comes the real price of being in Venezuela.  It actually feels right now like there’s a cost to being here.  Sure there are other costs, but it just feels like the Lord is asking us to wait.  And waiting is hard.  I want what I want and I want it now.  And the adoption process takes enough time on it’s own as is.  So I’m just prolonging the already long process.  And it makes me sad.  I don’t like being sad.  

One of the things I was talking through with my counselor was how do I work through the feelings that I’m having?  I’m at a point where I can tangibly see the cost of living here and how do I deal with that?  Well, I think I choose to understand that following Jesus and dying to self is more important than getting what I want.  Sure that’s the spiritual answer, but at the end of the day, that’s all I have to hold on to.  I can stomp my feet and cry and throw a fit and demand to go back to the U.S. so I can get (or at least try) what I want.  But then I’m just being manipulative and controlling my circumstances.  And that’s not what Jesus calls me to.  Unfortunately.  

Gosh, how much easier life would be if I could just have what I wanted when I wanted it.  But then that would work for everyone, and life would just be one big hot mess of a whole stinking lot of selfish people.  What a mess.  So right now, even though I’m not really grateful, I’m a little bit grateful that the Lord is using this time to refine me.  He’s using this time of waiting and being patient to refine my heart.  I’m selfish.  And that’s not always a bad thing.  The Lord gives us desires to have a family.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but I also have to wait on his timing.  Sometimes I don’t always agree with his timing.  

But I also chose this.  I chose to come to Venezuela and commit to being here for 2 years.  I, of course, didn’t realize the pain that could come with it, but I choose to be obedient.  Just like I chose to be obedient to a lot of things.  Like my husband, or my kids.  I could just let them fend for themselves, but at what cost?  Praise the Lord he’s bigger than all of these things.  Praise the Lord that one day all will be made right.  I’m long for that day.  Until then, I choose to be obedient.  I’ll try not to throw a fit and be all dramatic, even though it’s hard at times.  

At this point, even though it seems contradictory, I’m excited.  I’m excited for what the waiting will bring.  Maybe we won’t have more physical children in our family, but maybe this time of waiting means more spiritual children that we get to invest in while we’re here in Venezuela.  Maybe God wants me to see how I can relinquish this dream right now so that somehow someone else’s dream can be fulfilled.  I don’t know.  I’m glad that he is faithful, especially when I’m not.  I’m glad that all he calls me to is faithfulness.  I’m here.  I’m trying to be faithful to the task he has ahead of me.  And goodness gracious, I’m so stinking grateful for the 2 wonderful children he has given me.  Parenting is hard, but they find a way to melt my heart each and every day.

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