I love journaling. Here's an excerpt from today. I think that this will help understand my "life story" a bit more when I continue soon.
I love you, Lord. I love the saints througout the ages that have affirmed your love for me. I would be lost without them. I love that you name and define me. I am not the person lies speak about me. I am chosen, claimed, and blessed by you. Every aspect of me is named by you, the source of all good. From conception, before, even in the womb you formed and developed me exactly as you would have.
I am plagued by a desire to be somebody. It is like a race I cannot win. I HAVE to be famous, to be popular, to be well known, even in Christian circles, often especially in Christian circles now. Beneath all I do is that lurking motivation. A desire for MY glory. Sometimes the motivation is minimal, sometimes gigantic and consuming. I want to be like John Piper or DA Carson or CS Lewis and NT Wright or George Mcdonald. I want to be famous.
I call this a plague because terrible fear grips me when I doubt whether or not this will happen. I'm overrun by the fear of being a nobody, by being a loser or a sell-out. A weak person.
So I return again to you, Lord, the chooser and the blesser. I am beautiful and chosen and blessed and AWESOME in your eyes. I love Psalm 139: "OH Yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration. What a creation!" You look upon me and sing and shout for joy at your creation. You love me with the ferocity and adoration a bear loves her cubs.
So I resign my fears and desires to be your chosen and beloved. I cast aside my desire for earthly glory because I already have much greater. I am your beloved. You are my father. Let me hear no more lies about who I am. Let me rest and lay my search for glory down, for You are the one deserving.
And let the reader of this blog belive no more the lies about themselves. Let them know and be known as the beloved of the High King.